Thoughts on Compassion #1

Just a warning, I don't write formally all the time, it kills my buzz.

Since becoming obsessed with the Big 5 Personality Model, I have done a deep dive into all 5 traits (conscientiousness, agreeableness, extraversion, neuroticism and openness to experience) and their aspects (2 per trait). As someone who scores 'very high' in compassion, one aspect of agreeableness (the other one being politeness, which I score moderately low in), I started thinking about why I scored very high in compassion and if it would be possible to create some kind of scale to measure it that differed from the LIKERT test that measured it for me initially. I first needed a working definition for compassion in order to think about it with some degree of logical consistency.

After much deliberation I decided to view all 10 aspects of personality as, 'a tendency to _____'. By viewing all 10 aspects as tendencies, I could also more easily relate aspects to each other in a logical manner. And now for the big reveal....

Compassion: a tendency to prevent and/or reduce the negative emotions of others.

This definition resonates with me extremely well. While I often don't fully agree with basically anything anyone says, I always do whatever I can to avoid hurting their feelings when I express any disagreement. I've been this way as long as I could remember. Something inside me always wants to make sure everyone was having a good time and feels included. While it may appear so, I don't even do this virtuously. When I can sense that someone is feeling down, I need to do something to make them feel better or I'll get uncomfortable myself. I hate being uncomfortable, that's why I almost exclusively wear Lulu's.

In a way, I think of my 'very high' compassion as a selfish tendency to dodge discomfort in social situations instead of the more virtuous tendency that compassion is often considered to be. While compassion is an extremely important virtue to practice, it does seem to have a lot of flaws. The major flaw that my compassion has cursed me with is my tendency to become resentful. By considering the feelings of others too much, I often don't worry about my own emotions. Eventually, as I notice that my acts of compassion are not being reciprocated or appreciated, I get real cheesed. Compassionate people always have other people in their thoughts, they always wonder about what would make them feel happy or sad. This can get obsessive.

When a compassionate person feels resentment towards someone, it is all that much harder to get that person off of your mind. You already think about people all day, but instead of thinking about them in good faith, you're fantasizing about making them have the worst day possible. That empathy can be used for evil just as much as it can be used for good. If you can understand how people are feeling, you could easily use that knowledge to make them feel terrible, far more terrible than an inconsiderate person could. It also stings a lot more coming from someone who is usually very kind to you. I am guilty of this thousands of times over. I have also let my compassion suck out any love I've had for some people I used to call good friends. They may have been taking advantage of me, but resentment lies within and I take full responsibility for it. I was too agreeable with them to consider the long term forecast of the friendship. This segues nicely into another downside of compassion.

If compassion is a tendency to prevent negative emotion, then it could tend to do so impulsively with only short term benefits. When someone is feeling down and I get that uncomfortable feeling, I used to want to scratch the itch as quickly as possible and get that instant relief. I've realized that this is selfish, so I have learned to embrace my impolite side a bit more. It is important to understand that too much compassion can suppress some much needed encouragement. Sometimes you need people to experience some negative emotion in the short term for them to feel happier in the long term. My mom calls this, 'cruel to be kind'. Cruel to be kind does not mean to treat someone like shit in order for them to realize something important, but it does mean not being afraid to allow someone so experience some cognitive dissonance. If you truly want to help someone, sometimes you need to hold their hand as you guide them into the abyss.

Whenever anybody confides in me, especially about an issue they are having with other people, I never defer to their side of the story. The second something seems off, no matter how upset they seem, I'll interject (with varying levels of care depending on the level of volatility I'm dealing with). I think it is important to do this, otherwise you may be affirming their resentment. I make an effort to persuade others to have compassion for those who have wronged them as a means to alleviate hate. I find that this pursuit transcends the capabilities of compassion. It forgoes the tendency to prevent negative emotion in the short term in order to enlighten others, reveal the truth (no matter how uncomfortable) and ultimately increase the amount of love in the world.

This difficult exercise tames compassion. It allows you to consider how others are feeling, but not to the point where you aren't actually helping them anymore. Full compassion should only be applied to infants. If we really want to relieve people of chronic negative emotion and unhealthy mindsets, you need them to stare into the abyss and perhaps even guide them into it. What I've learned is that compassion does not always equate to caring for others. It sometimes is just a way to dodge that uncomfortable feeling you get when you see someone suffering. Truly caring for someone is much more of an intellectual exercise that simply uses compassion as a foundation.

This is why we need to be compassionate.... yet impolite :).