What makes me 'indiscrete'

I had an a amazing and educational evening with the love of my life last night. Every time that we get the privilege to break from our daily routine (which still needs work, but I digress) I am blessed with a surge of realizations about myself, my partner and the dynamics of our relationship; particularly in terms of how our personality similarities and differences manifest themselves. It is quite tough to reflect on the state of your relationship while immersed in your day to day comings and goings. It is vital that you create opportunities that allow the both of you to have fun as well as observe and fairly analyze the life you are building together from an outside perspective. But enough relationship advice (although I think I give fantastic relationship advice, more to come).

So anyways.... last night my partner told me (with nothing but loving intent and perhaps a smidgen of cheekiness) that I am 'indiscrete'. No truer words have ever been spoken. That word describes me pretty damn well. But of course, I took what would normally be a pretty face value observation and ran it through my brain. I thought to myself, how could I explain the reasoning for my 'general indiscretion' using my personality profile? Within seconds of brain blasting, it made even more sense to me why I would come off as indiscrete to most people. Since becoming privy to the Big 5 Model of personality, a structure has been implanted into my thought processes that I can't seem to escape or forget how to use. While we all surrender to some degree of structuralism whether we like it or not (I will most definitely start posting about my thoughts on this at some point), I personally believe that the model is too useful for understanding myself and others to intellectually abandon. Thus, I defer to the model to hep me reason with all interpersonal inquiries I have, and I inquire about these things almost perpetually. It can get quite obsessive and it's hella fun :)

My personality profile is pretty interesting (to me anyway). To summarize, I have very low conscientiousness, while having exceptionally high extraversion and openness to experience. On top of that, I am moderately high in agreeableness, with a very high emphasis on compassion with moderately low politeness and I am moderately low in neuroticism, particularly low in volatility. I don't get a kick or any thrills out of doing what would be traditionally considered as 'dutiful work'. It is very tough for me to stick to plans (although I make plans more frequently than I used to) and to get 'down to business'. However, I suppose that this definition of dutiful may be too rigid, as I still have an extremely strong drive to make the world a better place and encourage people to follow the truth. I find that it might be uncommon for an unconscientious person to be truth seeking or to even see the benefits in ethical thinking, but I think that it is my compassion for others as well as my intellect (interest in the abstract) that keeps me much more honest than most people. My version of 'dutiful' seems to be more of an interpersonal endeavour focused on understanding my flaws, how other people are thinking and feeling (as well as why they may be feeling or thinking that way). While this may play into some kind of messianic complex, I also feel like it is my duty to help others comes to terms with the truth regarding how they conduct themselves socially and how they may be unfairly judging others as a means of masking their own insecurities (this I try to do as compassionately as possible, it's always a work in progress. Needless to say, talking to me can be tough or uncomfortable.

I also don't have much of a disgust response or much threat sensitivity (as dictated by my low orderliness and volatility) which might make it easier for me to 'stare into the abyss' Having a very stable mood and emotional state makes it very easy to constructively criticize myself and prevents me from turning those criticisms into harmful self talk. This is probably due as well to my integration of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) into my rationalizations. Through CBT, I have been able to get used to feeling the discomfort of staring my short comings in the face and sharing them with others as a means to bring out some honesty in them as well. I generally think that while most people are not 'liars' perse, I think most of us are very dishonest. I don't think we are dishonest in bad faith, but rather we prioritize our social status and our view of others over the truth as a coping mechanism. I see dishonesty more as not willing to accept the truth rather than lying constantly. These philosophies of mine support being indiscrete as I am much more focused on the blunt truth of a situation than I am focused on considering what might be considered to be socially taboo or a point of contention.

The extraversion really makes it easy for me to be indiscrete. I am overly enthusiastic and thus cannot keep my thoughts and feelings in my pants. Excitement is my name and showing it off is my game. Whenever I get worked up in conversation, I sway back and forth shake my leg erratically etc. You can very visibly see my excitement and that low conscientiousness makes it very hard for me to be aware of it. I also take charge. As I've grown into my own I have become very assertive and I am very confident in voicing my opinions although I always consider the feelings of others while doing so. This does not mean though that I am not willing to compromise somebody's self esteem in order to voice what I believe to be the truth or worth mentioning. I can also admit that I most definitely want to be the center of attention in conversation and dictate the flow of it. However, I do not like talking about myself or bragging and feel uncomfortable when praised or complimented. I much rather prefer to be understood and engaged with.

So it makes sense that somebody like me who does not pay attention to external details, does not care for authority in a absolute sense, is very easily excitable and not very concerned about looking bad would be indiscrete. I am a truth seeker who wears his heart on his sleeve and prioritizes unity through honesty and empathy. I have worked extremely hard on my mental health and have reached a point where I am one of those rare people who does not mind or even seeks out being wrong in public. Being indiscrete sounds pretty sweet to me :)